A TIME TO MOURN
A Personal Position Paper on Funerals, Cremation and End-of-Life matters.
Several days ago someone in my family e-mailed me about attending a “Celebration Service” where the deceased had been cremated. He described it as a “refreshing” service; a “different experience;” and was relieved at not having to be involved where one experienced the morbidity of “looking at the empty shell of a body.” That e-mail brought some of my recent thinking to the surface and prompted this essay.
Several times recently, I have noticed that there is an increase in services where the remains of the deceased are kept out of view, and where the emphasis is on ‘Celebrating a Life.’ When first exposed to these concepts, I welcomed them as a good thing. Anymore, I am not so sure. I have also been exposed to some ‘death’ issues recently which have taught me some things; (I hope,) and if not taught, at least helped to crystallize some concepts in my mind.
One of those ‘different experiences’ happened just last week. We had a singing group at our church which went by the name of “Everyday Dying.” “Hey, Neat!” “Taken right from Paul’s concept that he dies daily!” It was not until I studied the slogan on the tee shirts they were selling that I figured out, that perhaps, something had been missed in the translation. The tee shirts bragged, “I smile at the guillotine.”
“Smile?” If Paul was ‘smiling’ while he was ‘daily dying;’ If Jesus was smiling in the garden of Gethsemane, then I certainly missed something somewhere. I believe that real dying involves real pain, real suffering, real trauma; anything that makes it less so is probably a façade; is probably an elaborate attempt at deception. Death, in all its forms, is an “Enemy.” Anything that seeks to make death less of an enemy is an embellishment, and is robbing us of truth and reality. ‘Truth and reality’ that are sorely needed to face ourselves and deal with our weaknesses in the light of God’s provision: ‘Truth and reality,’ without which, none of us will ever otherwise be “set free.”
Even though the next experience happened last year, it too was brought home to me again just last week. While doing some church business, I was approached by a sister in our fellowship. “Oh Jonas, I’m so glad you’re here,” She said, “I have been struggling all week with the memories of what happened in that hospital room last year. Would you please pray for me?”
Last year, we had been dealing with the ravages of cancer. A sister, a young wife, a prayer warrior and a vital part of our small fellowship; had been struggling for some months. The physical prognosis had been one long ‘good news/bad news, roller coaster event’ for all of us. One moment, ‘she’s doing better,’ the next, ‘she’s doing worse.’ Against this backdrop, we had our faith. We thought we were primed for the fight. “Her work isn’t done, its only just started; God’s promises are ‘yea and amen;’ Holy Spirit of God, lead on.” When the final summons came, all of us were caught flat footed, and totally off guard.
Marlene and I received the phone call at one in the morning, and soon found ourselves in the hospital room, joining with others, and petitioning the return of life. The object of our love was lying before us; bereft of usual end-of-life care; her pretty face, suffering the physical trauma of what she had just been through, was literally twisted beyond recognition. It seemed to several of us, that Satan used that face to leer back at us and taunt us for the smallness of our faith. It is not unusual then, that several people have told me that they wished they had not been in that room at all that night, and that someone, just last week, was praying for peace and the healing of memories.
Does this mean that we should have avoided the morbidity of that room, and of that night? I can not talk for others, but for myself, there are several reasons why I’m glad I was there.
First of all; as hard as that was for all of us, it would had to have been, exponentially harder for the young widower. No Christian Brother or Sister should ever have to deal with that challenge in the absence of an entire cadre of support. Maybe, not necessarily, in that room, but in some way we all very much needed to ‘be there’ for him.
My second reason may be a little harder to explain but is not any less intensely felt. My personal world is bounded or hemmed in to the degree of life’s experiences that I allow myself to be exposed to. We don’t all have to experience everything or even experience the same things; and yet we find that many of us have never learned to cope when major events come our way because we have never learned the personal benefits of helping others cope during the trying times of their lives. Just last night, someone told me of a young man, twenty-five years old, who had never been around death or never attended any funeral activity. What will happen to him when a traumatic life event arises that he can no longer avoid? What will happen when one of those parents, which now shield him from his problems, are snatched away? From what source will he have derived a coping mechanism for facing the, ultimately unavoidable, challenges that will some day come his way? Do you presume that Jesse was wrong for sending young David out there with those sheep? After all, there might have been lions and bears out there. How will you stand; what skills will you have, when you face the real Goliath of your life?
Some years back, at the edge of a timber, I knelt over the carcass of a close friend and tried to force the essence of life past his cooling lips. For days afterwards my mouth felt weird. Today I have a choice. Today I can ‘gross out’ over how my lips felt or I can give thanks, that in that moment of need I was there. There, providing whatever aid I could. When our physical resources had been exhausted, I reached across a broken body, grasped the hands of a newly made widow and prayed for a peace that ‘passes all understanding.’ Definitely a ‘different experience,’ an ‘experience,’ that still today, is precious beyond belief.
“Okay Jonas, time to wrap it up and get to your point!”
I am glad for the wonderful variety of end-of-life choices available to us today. We are individuals, with individual needs and desires. There is no one-size-fits-all funeral; what is right for one may not meet the needs for others. Not all of us who are left behind find comfort and grace to continue in the same way. These choices, however, can become a bane or a blessing. With such a variety, it becomes easy to make decisions for ourselves and our loved ones which we or others will rue later. More importantly, I feel that it is easy for the emphasis to get out of focus and for us to plan services that miss the point of what an end-of-life service is supposed to provide.
In recent years, I believe that I have been witnessing in out-of-balance emphasis on the word “celebration” It is true that we Christians need to rejoice at funerals; we do not ‘sorrow as those who have no hope.’ Having said that; we need to remember that for every death there is still a ‘sorrow;’ there is always loss; there is always grieving; and furthermore, it has been oft proven that there are no shortcuts for mourning. In turning our funerals into celebrations we have short-circuited the process of public mourning. There is a “Time to Mourn.” That time is in the company of others who are there to mourn with us. We sanitize our services; we remove all words or items that would provoke to tears; and, when the party’s over we go home to mourn alone. I believe that this is a profound tragedy.
I don’t ‘smile’ at death but neither do I shrink from it. Death is a vital portion of our existence. Learning to deal with death, from a proper psychological and spiritual perspective, will set us free from fears that would otherwise hem us in and constrict our world. With our aversion to looking death full in the face, it should not surprise us that many of our kind suffer from mental anguish, and otherwise, have never learned to live life to its fullest.
Jonas J. Borntreger
5/1/2007
November 21, 2007 at 10:02 am
This really hits home as I was recently at a funeral for a friend in her mid 30’s who died of cancer. Believing that she was a Christian, I can’t help but be happy for her that she is experiencing eternal joy. At the same time, my heart is heavy for her widowed husband learning to live life alone again after barely 1 year of marriage. One is experiencing joy like I’ve never known; one is experiencing grief like I’ve never known. I feel like I can see both sides of the coin.
I do whole-heartedly agree with your concluding paragraph. I think we’re much too eager to anesthetize and smooth things over instead of learning to deal with hardships. We like our lives to be easy and pretty–often to our own detriment.
February 14, 2008 at 11:19 am
Hello, My name is Tom the frontman for the band everyday dying. I just wanted to let you know that you miss quoted our t-shirt. Smile at the Guillotine. It has to do with one of our songs entitled “Watch Me Bleed” which is about not being afraid to die for our faith. In a Martyr situation I will suffer for my faith, and for what Jesus did for us. If that means someday I will have to look into the face of a guillotine for what I believe I will smile for I know that I will be with Jesus in the end. When satan attacks he will see no fear within my eyes because Everyday I Die to live for love. Our name is directly related to Paul’s concept but the song “watch me Bleed” which has the line “I Smile at the guillotine cause I know you can’t take me” refering to satan, that he can’t take me I am God’s. Is about facing a physical death for my faith and smiling with the promise of life everlasting.(I usually explain this on stage or if they have the CD they know what the shirt means) I do appreciate what you have written here it is just that I work hard on my lyrics and the songs we write in order to spread the news of Christ and empower kids in a positive way and help them out of dark places they find themselves in or difficult choices they must face in everyday life. I just want you to understand our concept instead of miss quoting it. Thank you so much, and God Bless. Acts 7:54-60
February 16, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Let me ask, how is this to be found uplifting at all? Of course we all grieve, but are we not supposed to ultimatley ask God for our Comfort, peace, and joy, doens’t it come down to the fact that we are actually supposed to love God more than anything else, even ourselves? And, HE is the joy giver and even in the toughest situations He will be our light. It is obvious “smile at the guillotine” is supposed to be a metaphor for looking for our hope in God in our tough situations.
February 28, 2008 at 12:04 am
I love what you wrote! It says so many of the things that I’ve been thinking about in working on an article that compares Mexican and American funerals–but my thoughts were forming words that I wanted.
Of course, God sustains us in our grief, but He’s not a magic happy pill. It’s a process that a person must go through. Thanks for writing this!
August 17, 2010 at 9:22 am
This is from an e-mail from my brother Amos. JJB
Dear all,
Last Sunday a Christian Brother Jeff shared a word of encouragement. In it, he said, “Lamentation is the highest form of worship.” I like that but have never heard it said that way before, so I emailed him asking him where he found that in the scripture. I though his reply went so well with Jonas’ essay, Time to Mourn, and also brought clarity to my feeling about my friend Dan passing away: I am sending it on to you.
Love you all
Amos
Here is Jeff’s reply.
Hello Amos,
Thanks for the question. There is no such scripture that says that verbatum… “Lamentation is the highest form of worship”. But I do think we have two good examples from the scripture:
If we look at Job after all that was taken from him, he said… ” Though He slays me, yet I hope/trust in Him. Job 13:15
The Scripture I quoted from on Sunday was from Habakkuk chapter 3:
17Though the ( E)fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the ( F)olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the ( G)flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be ( H)no cattle in the stalls,
18Yet I will ( I)exult in the LORD,
I will ( J)rejoice in the (K) God of my salvation.
It’s easy to worship when everything is going great. A key test of true deep worship is… When you are losing everything and everything you touch seems to be cursed, you are still able to dig deep into your spirit and say Though this is happening to me… YET I will trust, hope, worship, exult and praise God… That is when you can tell if you are true worshiper of God.
You may have tears dripping from your chin or be in a deep travail, but still in the midst of it all, you can take the problem, crisis, loss or whatever tragedy and wrap it up in your tears as a “sacrifice of praise” and present it to God.
There is a Though and a YET!
Blessings,
Jeff